Embracing the Truth

Today on the way home, I had an AHA moment. I feel that this was something I already knew but just forgot. I’m writing it down so I would remember more often.

There’s power in embracing the Truth.

It sounds cliché but allow me to share my experience.

I was riding the bus on my way home and I was praying. In particular I was praying for the grace to be able to call prospective schools for my STARTLeadership School Tour immediately. Why that prayer?—simply because I keep on procrastinating. I keep delaying doing certain tasks to the point of not doing them at all at times. I actually still have things on my plate that I haven’t bothered starting with. And so I asked myself why there is the fear of doing it. The answer, I blurted instantly, “I may not be good enough (to ask, that I’d be making mistakes, that I might get rejected).”

This is something I already know from taking seminars. Voices in my head go like “Just Do It!”, “That’s just the fear of rejection!”, “That’s just B.S.” and “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” in order for me to make me want to do it. But still, the tendency is to continue with the procrastination.

The AHA however came when I told myself, “Yes Lord! I may not be good enough at all and I may fail. So please help me and work with me on this.” It was a sudden response that felt so good. I was surprised because the feeling was that I KNEW that I would in fact do it and would stop the procrastination. There was that commitment to do so. I was completely blown away.

What was different?

I embraced the truth. What truth? Let me analyze it a bit.

In my conscious mind I knew the Truth was that I’m good enough and that I really am capable of making the calls. And it is true in its truest sense! However, my current reality was that I was not feeling that way at all. I was feeling afraid. I felt not good enough! And I guess in my subconscious, a part of me was angry at myself for that because I know I should be better than the procrastinating behavior and that I know I should not be feeling afraid and unworthy. Why? Mainly the reason is because I’m a facilitator. That is precisely what I teach! I should be in integrity with what I say! Walk my talk! Practice what I preach! (It’s a tall order I subject myself to, I know!)

And so what happens I think is that I deny my current reality—of my experience of fear and unworthiness and try to mask it with positive affirmations of “truth”.

What does this do? I don’t know if it makes sense to you but subconsciously it validates my guilt. It’s supposed to make me feel good about myself that I don’t feel good about myself for not being the better me. It’s ironic! And if I didn’t do so, to not feel guilty, would mean that I give consent to my imperfections and that’s unbecoming of a (good) person/ facilitator I consider myself to be! Under the microscope, apparently it’s a screwed up programming. Ultimately doing so still keeps me in the downward spiral of procrastination.

Why? The self is still torn. Integrity is not intact. I have not embraced the whole truth. And what is that? The truth that I was feeling inadequate, not good enough, that I’m procrastinating. While I convince myself the truth about my greatness, I deny the truth of my shortcomings. The affirmations become a quick balm to numb the pain of not living up to the higher self. However, underneath it there is that self-hatred because part of me feels I’m just fooling myself because I also I know I am experiencing my imperfections. This is the reason why positive affirmation alone is not enough I believe. Positive affirmation only works if the self is whole. Positive affirmation only works if you love yourself completely. It means embracing the truth of who you are –both good and bad, your potential and your unpleasant reality.

Now going back to my brief experience, in that moment I embraced the truth about me— that first I was afraid, and that I felt inadequate. I bared my feelings and dared to speak the ugly truth of my current experience. And immediately, I felt whole. Integrity by the way means whole. So I regained my integrity by speaking my truth. And instantaneously as well, it became quick for me to embrace that yes, I can do it. By recognizing and acknowledging how bad I felt, I gained acceptance of my whole being. That helped me embrace THE Truth that yes, indeed I can do it, that I am capable. And if I would fail, I would still be enough. Enough to pick myself up, enough to learn and enough to try again. Courage and worthiness had already set foot. That fast! This is the power that I experienced in embracing my truth!

This could only be grace at work! Imagine, acceptance of my brokenness meant my wholeness. To speak the truth of experienced lack allowed me to experience sufficiency. There is truth to the saying that it is good to hit rock bottom, because once you’re there the only way to go is up. I guess that’s what happens when you embrace the truth, you hit rock bottom. And it is grace that lifts you up. However, we’re not so quick to accept the truth, actually we resist being at the rock bottom, hence, we still are into the experience of the fall. Instead of moving then up, we go down further.

I recall other profound experiences of transformation, and embracing the whole truth was always part of it.

And so right now I ask myself, looking at different aspects of my life….What truths have I been denying myself still? Hrmmmm…

Post Scriptum

I wrote this yesterday.. and today I've been enjoying my business calls and they've been fruitful. :) Let's continue doing this!