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I'm writing this post quite exhausted as I finished a day's general cleaning. I went through windows, window screens, the floor and the walls piling a mountain load of dust. Thankfully my nose found it manageable as I did not suffer the usual allergic reactions from the dust (I'd be sneezing heavily for hours), though my right eye does itch a bit. Anyhow, I welcome the new year with a clean room-- a physical manifestation of my readiness to start anew with a mind clear of the accumulated dirt of stress, fears, anxieties and frustrations from the year about to end, letting go of things that would perhaps hold me back from moving forward in life.

Year 2013 has been rough and challenging for a lot of people, especially those affected by the calamities in the Visayas region, and looking back I realize that for me, I had my own share of tough times-- personal and professional, financial, mental and emotional and sometimes the battle, spiritual! The experience has been whole. I went through rejections, failed businesses, personal doubts. There were times I fought valiantly, but there were times I despaired, I ran. I fell. I cried. I hurt. I bled. I quit. And there were times I wallowed in self-pity. I was in pain this year. Crisis. It felt that way. Most especially when my dad had his heart attack. I trembled at the thought of his loss...

And with all that, I am grateful. For through it all grace found me. With all the stumbling, I found my strength to get back up! With all the doubts, courage and hope pulled me back in the game! With the times I quit, there was never condemnation! There was not only one path to tread, instead new possibilities opened. In all of these events were opportunities to change, to transform, to be the person I hope myself to be. Acceptance slowly overshadowed regrets.  I learned from mistakes.While I may not have mastered all the lessons yet and not all solutions have come up, I cannot help but remain thankful for all that has been.

I am thankful for friends who sought me through dips and showed me empathy. I am thankful to all people who prayed for me and with me. I am thankful for new inspiration. I am thankful for new friends. I am thankful for family. I am thankful for I still have my father with us this new year- and with restored health. I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for an addition to the family in my nephew Liam Joaquin. I am thankful for new experiences. I am thankful for opened doors. I am thankful for being able to remember who I really am. I am thankful for opportunities to mind the gap from  where I am and to where I want to be.I am thankful for life. I thank you God!

And so I welcome 2014 with a container that has room and yet is full. Because I threw out the crap! And I am filled with gratitude and wisdom. Truthfully, this new year presents new trials and challenges. But I am hopeful because I know I am a better me, and I know I am not alone. And so I lift my goals and dreams to God. This new year I declare that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me. I am Action-driven, Prayer-led. I am God's Gracious Love. I am a daring, committed and joyful lead steward, living a gracious and empowered life now!

Happy New Year!!!

Post Scriptum

thank YOU! Cheers to a deeper relationship with you this new year!

Yes, I Thank You

Dear God,

It’s been four years since I said yes to serve as coordinator of the Youth of the EDSA Shrine. Indeed it has been four wonderful years of fun, of laughter, of excitement, of companionship, of triumph, of loss, of trials, of tears, of bitterness, of challenges, of service, of worship, of love, of grace—ultimately. Thank you.

It feels just like yesterday as I recall reluctantly taking on the challenge of what I perceived to be as a resurrection project. There were only seven or so members left, there was neither clear structure nor direction that was set before I came in. There was hardly Y.E.S. anymore as far as community members knew. And because of that you knew full well how scared I was. There were many uncertainties, many questions, and many doubts most especially within me as far as how adequate and capable I was to lead Your ministry. But no sooner than I realized it, You’ve already had me wholeheartedly committed and in love with the Sacred trust You’ve bestowed upon me. And I marvel at how fast things went from the initial plans, to the support needed, to the implementation of the plans: the prototype, the relaunch, the team building, the parties, the talks, the caring groups, the recollections and all the services, You saw through all of it. More so, You saw me through it all. As far as I know, I’ve just been winging it, week in and week out, not knowing how things would turn out and oftentimes with doubt, yet, you make all my efforts enough. Grace, indeed. Thank you.

Oh Lord, how many times I failed in my ministry. Forgive me. There were times that I was too lazy to do my duties and responsibilities, times that I was too full of myself, fed and made fat my ego, plenty of times that I saw things as work, times that I did not listen, times that I wanted things done my way, times that I terribly sinned, times that I sabotaged myself, times I that I resisted, times that I held back, times that I did not care, times that I just wanted to quit. All these were evidences of my unworthiness, and yet, You did not give up on me. I had many weaknesses and failures. You overlooked them and my sins you easily forgave. You continued loving me despite all of them. Thank you.

The Y.E.S. has grown Lord. But I know deep in my heart that it was not because of me. It’s because of You and Your love for Your youth. I keep in mind that I am only an instrument of Your Love and Your work. I am grateful. If anything,it was they who taught me to listen and to genuinely care. They taught me how it is to have fun and to keep my youth. They taught me acceptance, something I had difficulty learning time and again. In moments of great difficulty, to which I felt very torn in-between quarrels among them, they taught me openness, compassion and empathy. In my most honest moments, they taught me the value of responsibility and asking for help, that I am not superman. I also am amazed how right now they are teaching me to expand myself, grow and dare to make more difference than what I am used to. And in the 4 years, I learned to trust your timing and your plans. It is funny that I learned to say no in YES. And right now, you’re teaching me to let go, in order for them to grow much more. You knew full well that the youth ministry did not need me much more than I needed them in order for me to grow in my own Love for myself and You. It’s unfair! I feel that I have gained more from them and from You than what I have given. You have been gracious to me! Thank you.

I now let go, because I have done my part and ironically to do so would also mean to continue on with my part. My part was never to be the perpetual doting older brother. I recognize that my part was simply to be the friend who will see them for who they really are from Your eyes and support whatever it is that they could be from Your plans. And right now, I see that they are ready to take on leadership, ready to take on responsibility, ready to contribute. May I be like St John the Baptist, for me to decrease so that they may increase. I will step back and as I do so I brace myself to see them struggle, to see them make mistakes, to see them get in trouble and stumble. They will experience getting hurt and It will also hurt me. But to not allow it would mean to hurt them far greater. Because from what I learned personally in my 4 years of struggling, making mistakes, getting in trouble and stumbling, all of these are part of the necessary process to learn and grow, enough to gain personal confidence, success, meaning and purpose.  I will step back and also move forward with different things in my life and my service, but as You would want it, I will never stop loving and supporting them, cheering them on. That You would want this from me and more, I thank you.

Jesus, thank You for showing me different faces of You in the Youth of the EDSA Shrine. I pray that they have seen Yours in mine, if not, continue Your work in me that I may give you worthy praise in how I live my life. Thank You for Your Gracious Love! I love you, my God! And thank You for the Y.E.S.!

Post Scriptum

 

Dear Youth of the EDSA Shrine,

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for letting me be your older brother, even if at times I hated being so. I thank you for trusting me, for sharing with me your joys, your wounds, your triumphs, your losses, even your secrets, the truth of who you really are inside. I thank you for being my friends. I thank you for bearing with me even if I bored you sometimes. I thank you for laughing with me and sometimes at me. Thank you for putting up with me the times I had so much crap in my own life. Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for keeping my secrets. Thank you at nagpapauto kayo sa akin paminsan. HAHA! Thank you for loving me. Salamat talaga!

I also wish to ask for forgiveness to the people I have hurt intentionally or unintentionally. Sorry sa mga pagkukulang ko, marami ako nyan. Kung di man kita binigyang pansin, pinagtawanan, iniwanan sa ere, pinagsalitaan ng nakasasakit I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not understanding, I’m sorry I went out of bounds, I’m sorry I lost respect. I'm sorry for not keeping my words. I’m sorry I did not listen. I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough of a leader, a brother, a friend you expected me to be. I’m sorry for not being able to show you Jesus in me. To the people who have left the ministry, because of my lack of love and care, I feel guilty, but I know that it was also part of my process and yours, but just the same, patawad.

To everyone, just know how blessed I am having all of you as my friends. I came in here as your coordinator and kuya, please let me have the honor of leaving my post as your friend as well. And this time as your friend let me remind you Y.E.S. to make more friends in EDSA Shrine and serve them and bring them Jesus. This is not goodbye, simpy thank you. I'll still be around anyway! And when you see me at the Shrine, please get your free hug! J I love you!!!

I remain,

Nico

Riot Wednesday Playlist

I thought to indulge myself this afternoon with the music of my growing up years. This surely was an auditory blow-out for me!

Nickelback- Far Away
Incubus- Drive
P.O.D.- Youth of the Nation
Puddle of Mudd- Blurry
Goo Goo Dolls- Black Balloon
Dishwalla- Angels or Devils
Three Doors Down- Let Me Go
Soul Asylum- Runaway Train
U2-Elevation
System of A Down- Chop Suey
Eminem feat Dido- Stan
Gorrillaz-Tommorow Comes Today
Alien Ant Farm- Smooth Criminal
Linkin Park- In the End
Oasis-Wonderwall
Blink 182- All the Small Things
Wheatus- Teenage Dirtbag
Three Doors Down- Story of the Girl
Seether feat Amy Lee- Broken
Evanescence- Bring Me to Life
Green Day-Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Creed- Higher
Goo Goo Dolls- Here is Gone
The Calling- Adrienne
Lifehouse- Quasimodo
Dave Matthews Band- 41
Avril Lavigne- I'm With You
P!nk- Just Like a Pill
Vertical Horizon- Heart in Hand
Matchbox 20- Bent

note to self, do this again next week.. :)

It's one of those days...

Waiting in silence

There’s an abyss

From its depths cries of pain

Inconsolable,

Skies clear

Through its vastness a sigh of peace

Hope,

A fleeting moment

I forget,

I fall

I remember,

I move on

In this space

Waiting in silence

For grace to call

What's in a (my) name?

My parents gave me the name ‘Nico’, being born a month after the 1986 EDSA People Power Revolution. My mother explains giving the name to me “matunog na matunog ang sigaw ng bayan nung mga panahong iyon ‘Ninoy!’ at ‘Cory!’” and that she was there in the streets of EDSA, 8-months pregnant (way to go!) with me.

Years after, I still am in EDSA, having been involved in the community for more than 20 years already in different capacities, starting as a regular participant at the Children’s Prayer Group (a play and pray group for children), an altar server, a lector and now as coordinator of the youth ministry. Members of the community, hearing this story and witnessing my growth from Day 1 of the EDSA Shrine, say that I’m living up to my name. I share their amazement of the realization, because then I honestly did not care much about that story. It didn’t matter much to me. It was not on purpose that I chose to serve at the EDSA Shrine because of my name. For me it was simply an amusing coincidence.

It was just last year when I learned of the significance of my name. In the Bible, a person’s given name either suggested something of who one was or what aspirations the parents had of their child. Take Moses’ name which meant “drew out” for he was drawn out from the Nile River; Esau, the firstborn of Isaac, was given that name for being born reddish and “hairy” and his twin was given the name Jacob for he was holding on to the “heel” of Esau when he came out of the womb; on the other hand, we find Abram, which is Hebrew for venerated father—a name that showed perhaps his parents’ hopes and dreams toward his being.

Their names established their identities to a degree of self-fulfilling prophecy. Moses indeed drew out God’s people from Egyptian slavery to the Promised Land; Esau, in his hunger, perhaps thought like a beast in exchanging his birth right for a serving of red stew. Jacob, whose name also meant “cheat” or “activist”, tricked his twin brother to giving him his birth rights.

We also see God appoint new names to his people. Jacob was named Israel, which means “strong with God”, after wrestling with Him from night until daybreak. Abram was changed to Abraham promising him to be the “ancestor/ father of a multitude.” And of course, there is Simon, the apostle, upon professing faith in Jesus as the Christ, was given the name Peter which meant “rock” upon which Jesus built the Church. These new names gave new character to their identities that brought to fulfillment God’s plans in salvation history.

While I’m quite certain that this is no longer how parents name their children nowadays, I somehow subscribe to the idea that one’s given name does carry with it a distinct identity, a character, a spirit that guides us in our daily being and becoming. Our names contain our essence and purpose.

Now if this is “what’s behind a name”, what does my name say about me then, being Ninoy-Cory?

I believe that I was named after them because of the highest values and ideals they embodied:

Ninoy Aquino, was a brilliant mind, yet, what made him distinct was his courageous act of coming home to the Philippines with the knowledge that it might cost him his life. The Filipino was worth dying for, he claimed, and brought it to reality. Cory on the other hand, from being a simple homemaker to responding to the call of the people for her to run as President of the Philippines, allowed herself to be used by God as an instrument of bringing democracy back to the Filipinos; and so the people named her an Icon of Democracy. But to me, she was first and foremost, a woman of deep faith and prayer.

My name also carries the context that I was born under: of euphoria from regaining democracy, of pride for the Filipino race, of hope for a brighter future, for each Filipino to live in justice, peace, solidarity and progress.

Come to think of it, what my name contains overwhelms me. And yet, I’ve seen certain alignments of these in my life. Following after two inspiring leaders, professionally, I’ve been promoting leadership programs that cultivate the same values, inspiring dreams, and ultimately transforming lives, especially that of the Filipino youth. There is much to live up to with my name, but I take it as a reminder of WHO I am – MY TRUTH; of WHAT I am to do – MY PURPOSE; of WHAT THERE IS TO GAIN – MY VISION.

Who I am embodies the essence of these two modern heroes of EDSA, but don’t we all who are part of the EDSA Shrine Community?

EDSA will not be EDSA without Ninoy! EDSA will not be EDSA without Cory! EDSA will not be EDSA without Cardinal Sin! EDSA will not be EDSA without the Filipino People, EDSA will not be EDSA without Mama Mary, EDSA will not be EDSA without Jesus! At the same time EDSA Shrine will not be EDSA Shrine without EDSA. Therefore, in our name the EDSA Shrine Community, we hold the essence of these persons in the fabric of our existence as a gathered community. Let us remember once again who they are, because in turn, we remember who we are: our essence, what we stand for and our shared vision and purpose as we continue to gather bearing our name. 

Unpublished editorial writeup for Shrinews August 2013 Special Issue. I was Editor-in-chief. :)