The Truth Hurts

I'm in a daze for now.. I give myself permission to be.

Post Scriptum

and Truth sets people free

Throwback Thursday: 2008 Rizal is Alive DVD Hosting

Hosting this DVD program with Knowledge Channel and OCCI, in cooperation with the Department of Education, for the Order of the Knights of Rizal... was indeed a blast!

Feeling artista working with a professional production! Pre-prod, Prod and Post Prod... It was all a surreal experience! Most specially seeing myself on-screen during the launch of the DVD. Dream come true for me then! 

Screencaps from the DVD

My Mentor, Atty Pablo Trillana III

Lady Amalia Rosales

Grateful to have interviewed Sir Trillana, who later on became my personal mentor in life, you continue to inspire me with your love of Rizal and our country.

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Appreciating Rizal's Excellence

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I also am in gratitude to Tita Besol of OCCI for giving me this opportunity.

Rizal Youth Leadership Institute Delegate

"Now I understand what it really means when they say Rizal is Alive!"

I don't know if Knowledge Channel is still producing the DVDs. But I was told before that the program will be aired every Rizal Day (December 30) and on Rizal's birthday (June 19).

Haaaay! 

So now I'll make a declaration. I'll host another TV program within the next 5 years. :) 

I'm more than up for it! 

Embracing the Truth

Today on the way home, I had an AHA moment. I feel that this was something I already knew but just forgot. I’m writing it down so I would remember more often.

There’s power in embracing the Truth.

It sounds cliché but allow me to share my experience.

I was riding the bus on my way home and I was praying. In particular I was praying for the grace to be able to call prospective schools for my STARTLeadership School Tour immediately. Why that prayer?—simply because I keep on procrastinating. I keep delaying doing certain tasks to the point of not doing them at all at times. I actually still have things on my plate that I haven’t bothered starting with. And so I asked myself why there is the fear of doing it. The answer, I blurted instantly, “I may not be good enough (to ask, that I’d be making mistakes, that I might get rejected).”

This is something I already know from taking seminars. Voices in my head go like “Just Do It!”, “That’s just the fear of rejection!”, “That’s just B.S.” and “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” in order for me to make me want to do it. But still, the tendency is to continue with the procrastination.

The AHA however came when I told myself, “Yes Lord! I may not be good enough at all and I may fail. So please help me and work with me on this.” It was a sudden response that felt so good. I was surprised because the feeling was that I KNEW that I would in fact do it and would stop the procrastination. There was that commitment to do so. I was completely blown away.

What was different?

I embraced the truth. What truth? Let me analyze it a bit.

In my conscious mind I knew the Truth was that I’m good enough and that I really am capable of making the calls. And it is true in its truest sense! However, my current reality was that I was not feeling that way at all. I was feeling afraid. I felt not good enough! And I guess in my subconscious, a part of me was angry at myself for that because I know I should be better than the procrastinating behavior and that I know I should not be feeling afraid and unworthy. Why? Mainly the reason is because I’m a facilitator. That is precisely what I teach! I should be in integrity with what I say! Walk my talk! Practice what I preach! (It’s a tall order I subject myself to, I know!)

And so what happens I think is that I deny my current reality—of my experience of fear and unworthiness and try to mask it with positive affirmations of “truth”.

What does this do? I don’t know if it makes sense to you but subconsciously it validates my guilt. It’s supposed to make me feel good about myself that I don’t feel good about myself for not being the better me. It’s ironic! And if I didn’t do so, to not feel guilty, would mean that I give consent to my imperfections and that’s unbecoming of a (good) person/ facilitator I consider myself to be! Under the microscope, apparently it’s a screwed up programming. Ultimately doing so still keeps me in the downward spiral of procrastination.

Why? The self is still torn. Integrity is not intact. I have not embraced the whole truth. And what is that? The truth that I was feeling inadequate, not good enough, that I’m procrastinating. While I convince myself the truth about my greatness, I deny the truth of my shortcomings. The affirmations become a quick balm to numb the pain of not living up to the higher self. However, underneath it there is that self-hatred because part of me feels I’m just fooling myself because I also I know I am experiencing my imperfections. This is the reason why positive affirmation alone is not enough I believe. Positive affirmation only works if the self is whole. Positive affirmation only works if you love yourself completely. It means embracing the truth of who you are –both good and bad, your potential and your unpleasant reality.

Now going back to my brief experience, in that moment I embraced the truth about me— that first I was afraid, and that I felt inadequate. I bared my feelings and dared to speak the ugly truth of my current experience. And immediately, I felt whole. Integrity by the way means whole. So I regained my integrity by speaking my truth. And instantaneously as well, it became quick for me to embrace that yes, I can do it. By recognizing and acknowledging how bad I felt, I gained acceptance of my whole being. That helped me embrace THE Truth that yes, indeed I can do it, that I am capable. And if I would fail, I would still be enough. Enough to pick myself up, enough to learn and enough to try again. Courage and worthiness had already set foot. That fast! This is the power that I experienced in embracing my truth!

This could only be grace at work! Imagine, acceptance of my brokenness meant my wholeness. To speak the truth of experienced lack allowed me to experience sufficiency. There is truth to the saying that it is good to hit rock bottom, because once you’re there the only way to go is up. I guess that’s what happens when you embrace the truth, you hit rock bottom. And it is grace that lifts you up. However, we’re not so quick to accept the truth, actually we resist being at the rock bottom, hence, we still are into the experience of the fall. Instead of moving then up, we go down further.

I recall other profound experiences of transformation, and embracing the whole truth was always part of it.

And so right now I ask myself, looking at different aspects of my life….What truths have I been denying myself still? Hrmmmm…

Post Scriptum

I wrote this yesterday.. and today I've been enjoying my business calls and they've been fruitful. :) Let's continue doing this! 

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I'm writing this post quite exhausted as I finished a day's general cleaning. I went through windows, window screens, the floor and the walls piling a mountain load of dust. Thankfully my nose found it manageable as I did not suffer the usual allergic reactions from the dust (I'd be sneezing heavily for hours), though my right eye does itch a bit. Anyhow, I welcome the new year with a clean room-- a physical manifestation of my readiness to start anew with a mind clear of the accumulated dirt of stress, fears, anxieties and frustrations from the year about to end, letting go of things that would perhaps hold me back from moving forward in life.

Year 2013 has been rough and challenging for a lot of people, especially those affected by the calamities in the Visayas region, and looking back I realize that for me, I had my own share of tough times-- personal and professional, financial, mental and emotional and sometimes the battle, spiritual! The experience has been whole. I went through rejections, failed businesses, personal doubts. There were times I fought valiantly, but there were times I despaired, I ran. I fell. I cried. I hurt. I bled. I quit. And there were times I wallowed in self-pity. I was in pain this year. Crisis. It felt that way. Most especially when my dad had his heart attack. I trembled at the thought of his loss...

And with all that, I am grateful. For through it all grace found me. With all the stumbling, I found my strength to get back up! With all the doubts, courage and hope pulled me back in the game! With the times I quit, there was never condemnation! There was not only one path to tread, instead new possibilities opened. In all of these events were opportunities to change, to transform, to be the person I hope myself to be. Acceptance slowly overshadowed regrets.  I learned from mistakes.While I may not have mastered all the lessons yet and not all solutions have come up, I cannot help but remain thankful for all that has been.

I am thankful for friends who sought me through dips and showed me empathy. I am thankful to all people who prayed for me and with me. I am thankful for new inspiration. I am thankful for new friends. I am thankful for family. I am thankful for I still have my father with us this new year- and with restored health. I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for an addition to the family in my nephew Liam Joaquin. I am thankful for new experiences. I am thankful for opened doors. I am thankful for being able to remember who I really am. I am thankful for opportunities to mind the gap from  where I am and to where I want to be.I am thankful for life. I thank you God!

And so I welcome 2014 with a container that has room and yet is full. Because I threw out the crap! And I am filled with gratitude and wisdom. Truthfully, this new year presents new trials and challenges. But I am hopeful because I know I am a better me, and I know I am not alone. And so I lift my goals and dreams to God. This new year I declare that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me. I am Action-driven, Prayer-led. I am God's Gracious Love. I am a daring, committed and joyful lead steward, living a gracious and empowered life now!

Happy New Year!!!

Post Scriptum

thank YOU! Cheers to a deeper relationship with you this new year!

Yes, I Thank You

Dear God,

It’s been four years since I said yes to serve as coordinator of the Youth of the EDSA Shrine. Indeed it has been four wonderful years of fun, of laughter, of excitement, of companionship, of triumph, of loss, of trials, of tears, of bitterness, of challenges, of service, of worship, of love, of grace—ultimately. Thank you.

It feels just like yesterday as I recall reluctantly taking on the challenge of what I perceived to be as a resurrection project. There were only seven or so members left, there was neither clear structure nor direction that was set before I came in. There was hardly Y.E.S. anymore as far as community members knew. And because of that you knew full well how scared I was. There were many uncertainties, many questions, and many doubts most especially within me as far as how adequate and capable I was to lead Your ministry. But no sooner than I realized it, You’ve already had me wholeheartedly committed and in love with the Sacred trust You’ve bestowed upon me. And I marvel at how fast things went from the initial plans, to the support needed, to the implementation of the plans: the prototype, the relaunch, the team building, the parties, the talks, the caring groups, the recollections and all the services, You saw through all of it. More so, You saw me through it all. As far as I know, I’ve just been winging it, week in and week out, not knowing how things would turn out and oftentimes with doubt, yet, you make all my efforts enough. Grace, indeed. Thank you.

Oh Lord, how many times I failed in my ministry. Forgive me. There were times that I was too lazy to do my duties and responsibilities, times that I was too full of myself, fed and made fat my ego, plenty of times that I saw things as work, times that I did not listen, times that I wanted things done my way, times that I terribly sinned, times that I sabotaged myself, times I that I resisted, times that I held back, times that I did not care, times that I just wanted to quit. All these were evidences of my unworthiness, and yet, You did not give up on me. I had many weaknesses and failures. You overlooked them and my sins you easily forgave. You continued loving me despite all of them. Thank you.

The Y.E.S. has grown Lord. But I know deep in my heart that it was not because of me. It’s because of You and Your love for Your youth. I keep in mind that I am only an instrument of Your Love and Your work. I am grateful. If anything,it was they who taught me to listen and to genuinely care. They taught me how it is to have fun and to keep my youth. They taught me acceptance, something I had difficulty learning time and again. In moments of great difficulty, to which I felt very torn in-between quarrels among them, they taught me openness, compassion and empathy. In my most honest moments, they taught me the value of responsibility and asking for help, that I am not superman. I also am amazed how right now they are teaching me to expand myself, grow and dare to make more difference than what I am used to. And in the 4 years, I learned to trust your timing and your plans. It is funny that I learned to say no in YES. And right now, you’re teaching me to let go, in order for them to grow much more. You knew full well that the youth ministry did not need me much more than I needed them in order for me to grow in my own Love for myself and You. It’s unfair! I feel that I have gained more from them and from You than what I have given. You have been gracious to me! Thank you.

I now let go, because I have done my part and ironically to do so would also mean to continue on with my part. My part was never to be the perpetual doting older brother. I recognize that my part was simply to be the friend who will see them for who they really are from Your eyes and support whatever it is that they could be from Your plans. And right now, I see that they are ready to take on leadership, ready to take on responsibility, ready to contribute. May I be like St John the Baptist, for me to decrease so that they may increase. I will step back and as I do so I brace myself to see them struggle, to see them make mistakes, to see them get in trouble and stumble. They will experience getting hurt and It will also hurt me. But to not allow it would mean to hurt them far greater. Because from what I learned personally in my 4 years of struggling, making mistakes, getting in trouble and stumbling, all of these are part of the necessary process to learn and grow, enough to gain personal confidence, success, meaning and purpose.  I will step back and also move forward with different things in my life and my service, but as You would want it, I will never stop loving and supporting them, cheering them on. That You would want this from me and more, I thank you.

Jesus, thank You for showing me different faces of You in the Youth of the EDSA Shrine. I pray that they have seen Yours in mine, if not, continue Your work in me that I may give you worthy praise in how I live my life. Thank You for Your Gracious Love! I love you, my God! And thank You for the Y.E.S.!

Post Scriptum

 

Dear Youth of the EDSA Shrine,

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for letting me be your older brother, even if at times I hated being so. I thank you for trusting me, for sharing with me your joys, your wounds, your triumphs, your losses, even your secrets, the truth of who you really are inside. I thank you for being my friends. I thank you for bearing with me even if I bored you sometimes. I thank you for laughing with me and sometimes at me. Thank you for putting up with me the times I had so much crap in my own life. Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for keeping my secrets. Thank you at nagpapauto kayo sa akin paminsan. HAHA! Thank you for loving me. Salamat talaga!

I also wish to ask for forgiveness to the people I have hurt intentionally or unintentionally. Sorry sa mga pagkukulang ko, marami ako nyan. Kung di man kita binigyang pansin, pinagtawanan, iniwanan sa ere, pinagsalitaan ng nakasasakit I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not understanding, I’m sorry I went out of bounds, I’m sorry I lost respect. I'm sorry for not keeping my words. I’m sorry I did not listen. I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough of a leader, a brother, a friend you expected me to be. I’m sorry for not being able to show you Jesus in me. To the people who have left the ministry, because of my lack of love and care, I feel guilty, but I know that it was also part of my process and yours, but just the same, patawad.

To everyone, just know how blessed I am having all of you as my friends. I came in here as your coordinator and kuya, please let me have the honor of leaving my post as your friend as well. And this time as your friend let me remind you Y.E.S. to make more friends in EDSA Shrine and serve them and bring them Jesus. This is not goodbye, simpy thank you. I'll still be around anyway! And when you see me at the Shrine, please get your free hug! J I love you!!!

I remain,

Nico

Riot Wednesday Playlist

I thought to indulge myself this afternoon with the music of my growing up years. This surely was an auditory blow-out for me!

Nickelback- Far Away
Incubus- Drive
P.O.D.- Youth of the Nation
Puddle of Mudd- Blurry
Goo Goo Dolls- Black Balloon
Dishwalla- Angels or Devils
Three Doors Down- Let Me Go
Soul Asylum- Runaway Train
U2-Elevation
System of A Down- Chop Suey
Eminem feat Dido- Stan
Gorrillaz-Tommorow Comes Today
Alien Ant Farm- Smooth Criminal
Linkin Park- In the End
Oasis-Wonderwall
Blink 182- All the Small Things
Wheatus- Teenage Dirtbag
Three Doors Down- Story of the Girl
Seether feat Amy Lee- Broken
Evanescence- Bring Me to Life
Green Day-Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Creed- Higher
Goo Goo Dolls- Here is Gone
The Calling- Adrienne
Lifehouse- Quasimodo
Dave Matthews Band- 41
Avril Lavigne- I'm With You
P!nk- Just Like a Pill
Vertical Horizon- Heart in Hand
Matchbox 20- Bent

note to self, do this again next week.. :)

It's one of those days...

Waiting in silence

There’s an abyss

From its depths cries of pain

Inconsolable,

Skies clear

Through its vastness a sigh of peace

Hope,

A fleeting moment

I forget,

I fall

I remember,

I move on

In this space

Waiting in silence

For grace to call