Today
on the way home, I had an AHA moment. I feel that this was something I already
knew but just forgot. I’m writing it down so I would remember more often.
There’s
power in embracing the Truth.
It
sounds cliché but allow me to share my experience.
I
was riding the bus on my way home and I was praying. In particular I was
praying for the grace to be able to call prospective schools for my
STARTLeadership School Tour immediately. Why that prayer?—simply because I keep
on procrastinating. I keep delaying doing certain tasks to the point of not
doing them at all at times. I actually still have things on my plate that I
haven’t bothered starting with. And so I asked myself why there is the fear of
doing it. The answer, I blurted instantly, “I may not be good enough (to ask,
that I’d be making mistakes, that I might get rejected).”
This
is something I already know from taking seminars. Voices in my head go like
“Just Do It!”, “That’s just the fear of rejection!”, “That’s just B.S.” and
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” in order for me to make me want to
do it. But still, the tendency is to continue with the procrastination.
The
AHA however came when I told myself, “Yes Lord! I may not be good enough at all
and I may fail. So please help me and work with me on this.” It was a sudden
response that felt so good. I was surprised because the feeling was that I KNEW
that I would in fact do it and would stop the procrastination. There was that
commitment to do so. I was completely blown away.
What
was different?
I
embraced the truth. What truth? Let me analyze it a bit.
In
my conscious mind I knew the Truth was that I’m good enough and that I really
am capable of making the calls. And it is true in its truest sense! However, my
current reality was that I was not feeling that way at all. I was feeling
afraid. I felt not good enough! And I guess in my subconscious, a part of me
was angry at myself for that because I know I
should be better than the procrastinating behavior and that I know I should not be feeling afraid and
unworthy. Why? Mainly the reason is because I’m a facilitator. That is precisely
what I teach! I should be in
integrity with what I say! Walk my talk! Practice what I preach! (It’s a tall
order I subject myself to, I know!)
And
so what happens I think is that I deny my current reality—of my experience of
fear and unworthiness and try to mask it with positive affirmations of “truth”.
What
does this do? I don’t know if it makes sense to you but subconsciously it
validates my guilt. It’s supposed to make me feel good about myself that I
don’t feel good about myself for not being the better me. It’s ironic! And if I
didn’t do so, to not feel guilty, would mean that I give consent to my
imperfections and that’s unbecoming of a (good) person/ facilitator I consider
myself to be! Under the microscope, apparently it’s a screwed up programming.
Ultimately doing so still keeps me in the downward spiral of procrastination.
Why?
The self is still torn. Integrity is not intact. I have not embraced the whole
truth. And what is that? The truth that I was feeling inadequate, not good
enough, that I’m procrastinating. While I convince myself the truth about my
greatness, I deny the truth of my shortcomings. The affirmations become a quick
balm to numb the pain of not living up to the higher self. However, underneath
it there is that self-hatred because part of me feels I’m just fooling myself
because I also I know I am experiencing my imperfections. This is the reason
why positive affirmation alone is not enough I believe. Positive affirmation
only works if the self is whole. Positive affirmation only works if you love
yourself completely. It means embracing the truth of who you are –both good and
bad, your potential and your unpleasant reality.
Now
going back to my brief experience, in that moment I embraced the truth about
me— that first I was afraid, and that I felt inadequate. I bared my feelings
and dared to speak the ugly truth of my current experience. And immediately, I
felt whole. Integrity by the way means whole. So I regained my integrity by
speaking my truth. And instantaneously as well, it became quick for me to
embrace that yes, I can do it. By recognizing and acknowledging how bad I felt,
I gained acceptance of my whole being. That helped me embrace THE Truth that
yes, indeed I can do it, that I am capable. And if I would fail, I would still be
enough. Enough to pick myself up, enough to learn and enough to try again. Courage
and worthiness had already set foot. That fast! This is the power that I
experienced in embracing my truth!
This
could only be grace at work! Imagine, acceptance of my brokenness meant my
wholeness. To speak the truth of experienced lack allowed me to experience
sufficiency. There is truth to the saying that it is good to hit rock bottom,
because once you’re there the only way to go is up. I guess that’s what happens
when you embrace the truth, you hit rock bottom. And it is grace that lifts you
up. However, we’re not so quick to accept the truth, actually we resist being
at the rock bottom, hence, we still are into the experience of the fall.
Instead of moving then up, we go down further.
I
recall other profound experiences of transformation, and embracing the whole truth
was always part of it.
And
so right now I ask myself, looking at different aspects of my life….What truths
have I been denying myself still? Hrmmmm…
Post Scriptum
I wrote this yesterday.. and today I've been enjoying my business calls and they've been fruitful. :) Let's continue doing this!
